


Speaking to the Void

by TabisMouse



Series: In the Void [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M, POV Q, Pining, Post-SPECTRE, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6972118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabisMouse/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Q was supposed to disable Bond's email account but found himself, instead, writing to a man who is no longer there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Speaking to the Void

**Author's Note:**

> A series of drabbles that originally appeared on my [Tumblr Blog](http://bound-in-locks.tumblr.com/tagged/00q%3A-email-series) that eventually developed a bit of a plot.

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Fri, Nov 6, 2015 at 11:57 PM  
Subject:  Happy Friday

 

You came to see me today. Me. Well not really me, MI-6, actually.

You gave a little smirk just before you left me. MI6. I was the only one here to see it. You. To say goodbye. Part of me doesn’t believe you are actually gone. 

You’ve been gone before. You didn’t know me then. I knew you, but all of Q branch knows the Double Oh’s. 

I don’t know why I am writing this. I was supposed to be disconnecting your email.

I just feel the need to say - speak into the void - what I couldn’t say as you walked away.

I’m going to miss you.

-Q

 

* * *

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Thurs, Nov 12, 2015 at 11:57 PM  
Subject:  Happy Thursday?

 

I still haven’t deleted this account. I’ll get to it eventually. I just wanted to tell someone, even if that someone isn’t really there, that a requisition came across my desk to finance a new research project. I nearly laughed out loud when I read it.

It’s for a “compact explosive system about the size of a typical ball point pen.” It’s already been approved by the advisory board and was just sent to me for budget allocation.

It’s a fucking exploding pen under development by R & D at MI6 in the year 2015.

Thought you’d appreciate that. Too bad you aren’t here.

I’ll delete this account next week.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q < Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond < 007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Mon, Nov 16, 2015 at 11:38 AM  
Subject:  THIS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA

 

Dammit all to bloody hell. What pencil pushing, desk monkey who’s never done a day of development in their life THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GREENLIGHT EXPLODING PENS? 

Imbeciles should have at least used pens that DIDN’T come from the standard MI6 stock cupboards… or you know, maybe keep them locked up?!? Out of general circulation?! Is that too much to ask?

Fuck. I’m going to slash their funding that’s what I’m going to do as, evidently, someone has too much time on their hands.

It’s a good thing you aren’t here. There’s no way I am attractive with 1.5 eyebrows. Not that that matters. It doesn’t. Why do I care?

Who am I kidding-

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Fri, Nov 27, 2015 at 11:17 PM  
Subject:  .

There are new players on the scene.  Mostly they seem remnants of the old players.  To be expected, I suppose, filling the void from Spectre. A writhing mass of limbs scrambling without a head. 

There's talk of moving me into the field more. Getting me into hands on operations to draw them out and keep them from coalescing. I don't mind really, apart from flying. It’s not trauma, the reason I don’t fly. I almost wish it was then a spat of therapy would fix me up. No, I just don't like planes. 

Sometimes I miss the insight you could provide at times like these. Your gut is better than 5 analysts together. 

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Wed, Dec 2, 2015 at 1:14 PM  
Subject:  A Thanks

 

In light of the aforementioned Q-In-The-Field program, I’ve been conscripted into mandatory combat training. Really, I should thank you for the little bit you gave me back in September. I know I mocked but it’s kept me from looking a total ass this week. (More like kept me from winding up on my ass) 

My instructor says I’m a quick study - I guess your praise wasn’t flirting after all. 

Or maybe it was. You’d flirt with a cactus if it suited you.

Anyway, everything is pain but I’m sure you’d be proud I’m holding my own, so thank you.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Sun, Dec 13, 2015 at 12:15 PM  
Subject:  Every muscle hurts even in my thumbs

 

M is really hung up on this whole combat thing. He has me training 6 days a week. Surely this can’t be good for me. I am walking agony personified. There has to be rules about recovery or … something. This feels cruel and unusual. I am going to research and see, this can’t be allowed. 

I have a whole new appreciation for the pains you must have taken to maintain fitness. Emphasis on pain. 

It worked for you though. You looked quite fit.

I still look like too much skin dragged over long, knobby bones. Not attractive.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Tues, Dec 22, 2015 at 10:07 AM  
Subject:  Success?

 

I swear I have an honest to God defined cut on my abdominal muscles… a little ‘pack’ … I should count - four? Is there such a thing as a four-pack?

And I’m almost certain there is one on my bicep… biceps… there are some on my biceps. I suppose the training is working. It still doesn’t feel worth it. 

They’ve been so kind as to give me the holiday to rest so I won’t have to spend it as a giant bruise. How generous. 

I did manage to surprise and pin the trainer so, success there. Merry Christmas to me… from me. Now if only I had someone to show.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Thurs, Dec  24, 2015 at 9:05 AM  
Subject:  Merry Christmas, Bond

 

James. 

You aren’t here so I can’t give you the present I made you. I finished it back in October and it’s been sitting in a little wrapped box at the back of my file cabinet. It's a tie. It explodes.

Do you remember last year? At the department party. There was a moment where you looked at me and time did that thing where it slows down. For a moment I thought you'd kiss me. I almost confessed. 

I lost my nerve. 

You were stunning that night. And the way you looked at me. …

Water under the bridge now.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Fri, Jan 1, 2016 at 12:00 AM  
Subject:  Happy New Y ear

 

I’m writing this, drunk off my ass at 11:45 and Iam going to presss end precisely at midnight. I’ve decided to be more honest with the New Year, to myself most of alll. 

I’m in love with you. Have been for years. I Was an idiot for never saying anything. I miss you but hope- wherever you are, with sincerity, that you are happy with Madeline3.

No that’s bullshitt. I hope your miserable and come back. 

Ok both. I want you and want you happy.,. 

Sometime around June I’ll think about giving you up and moving on.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Fri, Jan 1, 2016 at 11:46 AM  
Subject:  Bloody Hell

 

See, if you were here I’d be in a panic right now over that last message. I’d be thanking the stars that I know this system back and forth and would go scrub all evidence of last night’s stupidity.

But, I don’t have to do that now. Ha!

Unless you still have your phone and it’s tapped into the system. Considering your usual care for MI6 equipment and your usual rate of phone replacement… I have no need for worry. It’s long gone.

-Q

...you know that thought is going to fester. I should make a note to check on your phone status….

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Sat, Jan 9, 2016 at 4:48 AM  
Subject:  5 days

 

5 days since I’ve been in my flat. 5 whole long bloody days at MI6. I should requisition a better couch for my office. I’m the bloody Quartermaster I deserve better than a futon crammed in a corner. 

Don’t criminals and international terrorists take bloody holidays? 

I’m so tired my mind is a jumbled mess. I close my eyes and all I see is code. 10 years ago I could chug a redbull and be fine … now... 

And don’t give me shit about my age I’m 33 for fucks sake.

I can’t sleep. My mind keeps racing. My head’s spinning.

I’m so tired.

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Tues, Jan 12, 2016 at 1: 15 AM  
Subject:  Alright I’m ok with the exploding pen.

 

It was a good idea. The pen saved 004 tonight. Saved his life on its maiden voyage. Look- I talk shit but whatever gets the agents home- 004 is on the plane back here, and that’s all that really matters.

I get so scared sometimes, on this side of the comms. Terrified. I can’t show it but it gives me nightmares. The weight of someone else’s life in my hands. They’re shaking now as I type. They weren’t earlier. 

Someone else’s life and the whole bloody country in my hands. On my shoulders.

I shouldn’t drink at the office.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Mon, Jan 18, 2016 at 3: 32 AM  
Subject:  009 made it home safe also sans pen

 

Maybe I  _ should’ve _ given you an exploding pen. Then I wouldn’t have had to sit through your tedious recitations of  _ how  _ exactly you damaged the equipment. Though - I confess - sometimes I had to work for my aggrieved face. You’re quite ingenious. The affronted mock-innocence was a good look on you. 

Everything’s a good look on you.

Sure it looks good off you too.

Are you gay? Bi maybe?

I’ll never be able to delete this account. It feels good to get this all out, the things I could never say outloud or to anyone else.

Really should not drink at the office.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Tues, Jan 19, 2016 at 1: 17 PM  
Subject:  Destroy all the booze

 

Apparently I’ve no need for therapy, I have this empty email account instead. Fantastic. You’re not here so you don’t get a say and apparently this job is driving me to drink and teenage melodrama.

“Dear Diary - today I poured out all the booze. It’s a good thing 007 isn’t here because he’d never forgive me for that. Sincerely, hungover Quartermaster”

Oh, you aren’t 007 anymore, though. I saw M looking at potential replacements. I guess there’ll be a new 007 soon. 

You’re just James now.

-Q

Had the combat trainer on his ass again today. Felt quite good, honestly.

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Wed, Jan 20, 2016 at 6:00 AM  
Subject:  Well then

 

So glad you're not here to witness my fits of teenage angst. I promise I am not really a 15 year old love sick girl. 

Well I’m not a girl at least. 

Do you know when I first knew I loved you? When you died. I didn't even know you or you me but I felt the loss like a knife in my heart. 

It was the hacking. How I fell for you - when I was still a just nobody here. I found out how you hacked M. Bloody beautiful bit of work. That what started this whole mess. 

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Fri, Jan 22, 2016 at 10:38 PM  
Subject:  Is this unhealthy? Maybe I should rethink this….

 

Maybe writing you isn’t the best thing. Psychologically. Or maybe it is. A  place to get it all out. I’ve taken to composing little emails in my head, writing to you when things go sideways. Putting the words together helps.

So maybe it’s a good thing.

Maybe I should see someone and ask. 

I’m afraid of what they’d say. If it’s bad I’d have to stop writing you. If it’s good … I dunno.

I’m not a mess on the job. Don’t think that. I keep it together out there. 

This is the one place I don’t have to.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Mon, Feb 1, 2016 at 7:16 AM  
Subject:  I tried

 

Thought I’d stop but it was too much a struggle. I found myself scribbling little notes at my desk. I’d have to shred them after. I guess it’s habit now, sending you random thoughts as they come. Venting. Thinking.

I can’t keep a journal. Can’t put this kind of stuff there. 

So, empty email account, you get to stay.

There was a little sparring tournament this weekend, with the other beginners training. I won. Went up against some intermediate fighters too. Held my own. I guess this is something I should have done long ago

Your satisfied and accomplished,

Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Tues, Feb 2, 2016 at 8:07 PM  
Subject: It begins

 

Things were quiet for a month… after the mess at New Year. I knew it wouldn't last. International chatter has ramped up and 009 was in a bit of a scrape. There’s talk of my next field excursion. I’m nervous, excited. I’ve done it before but this seems different. I think about how you are always so calm, the eve of a mission.

Were you a mess on the inside too?

Or had you gone numb to all this?

What if I get out there and freeze and all the combat training is for naught?

Not like a couple months is worth much….

-Q

  
  


* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Wed, Feb 3, 2016 at 6:15 PM  
Subject:  The life of a spy

 

I’ve never had trouble with the secrecy the job requires. It never required much from me. Mum, Dad and Daniel know where I work. (Daniel’s my twin). They know I do ‘things with the computer’ and I’ve never really needed to tell them more. My past missions were just ‘work conferences’. 

I just had to lie to Daniel for the first time in my life. Lies by ommission don’t count.

He called and said he didn’t know I was here. He’s here on business but saw me get on a bus. I told him it couldn’t possibly be me.

How is it possible his work conference is right where my mission is? And in this city of millions he saw me. 

I hate that I lied to him but for a moment it made me realize…. There’s a reason you’ve never really connected with anyone as much as you may seem to long for it, isn’t there.

-Q

 

* * *

 

 

From: Q <Quartermaster@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Bond <007@MI-6 . gov>  
Date: Thurs, Feb 4, 2016 at 10:45 PM  
Subject:  Things not good

 

I’m waiting...killing time. There’s a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something is wrong but I’m not sure what. 009 was supposed to check in with me an hour ago and I’m still waiting. I’ll give him 10 more minutes then I’ll head back to base. This park bench is freezing..988997h

 

…………….kkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

 

Sdoinxk.,i’asdn

 

Dddsfffff--0-               =-0

99

 

_ -Sent from my iPhone _

 

* * *

 

 

From: Mallory <M@MI-6 . gov>  
To: Department Wide Distribution List  
Date: Wed, Feb 24, 2016 at 9:00 AM  
Subject:  Memorial Service for David Boothroyd

 

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I must announce that we have called off the search for our Quartermaster. As there was no body recovered, there can be no funeral. However, arrangements for his memorial service are being made and will be set for Friday at 6:00 pm. His family have been informed and will be in attendance. 

This department has suffered a great loss. Grief counselling will be made available to any who feel a need. 

For the time being, R will continue as interim director of the Quartermaster Branch.

Thank you,

Gareth Mallory

Director MI-6

**Author's Note:**

> A huge, huge thanks to all those who followed this series on the blog. Your interest, asks and notes are the reason this ever became anything more than shots in the dark. Also thanks to [i_feel_electric](http://archiveofourown.org/users/i_feel_electric/pseuds/i_feel_electric) and [Castastrophe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Castastrophe/pseuds/Castastrophe) for much hand-holding, support, and encouragement. 
> 
> This is the first in a planned series of 3, so no, it doesn't end here!


End file.
